Sigh

Never having been to Asia, I decided recently to take a trip to the city-state of Singapore. I chose Singapore for many reasons, not the least was the very favorable weather and good public transportation. The trip was awesome. Indeed it was almost a life-altering experience in some ways. But my brain or in more poetic terms, my heart, decided to make me half fall in love with someone. A little background. As a casual airline employee, I had been planning on taking advantage of my employee travel perks by taking a long distance trip for quite some time. Singapore was on my list of potential destinations for its diversity, energy, weather, and accessibility. Having local friends to show one around a new place is always a great way to experience somewhere. Of course, living halfway around the world from Singapore and never having been there, I didn't have any friends in Singapore. So about a month before I took my trip, I decided to post a Craigslist ad to meet some new friends in the island nation. Being an incurable romantic, I elected to put the post in the "Men Seeking Women/Relationship" section. Within a day, three women, all whom seemed "interesting" (that old, time tested cliche of online dating) had responded. I struck up a fairly regular correspondence with them including chatting. All three were great and I found myself developing a reasonable friendship with each. One of the ladies in particular, I found to be very fascinating. Well, actually to be fair, I really like all three women, but for the purposes of this hopefully therapeutic blog post, I'll stand by the previous statement. But anyhow, the lady in question and I chatted and exchanged Facebook posts quite regularly. I really grew to like her a fair amount. From the beginning, there were some more than platonic overtones, fairly minor, but there nonetheless. Looking back, though, I do think those overtones gradually evolved into more platonic themes by the time of my trip, but I think an expectation was set up in my mind, even though she very obviously does not owe me anything given her hospitality and friendship.

Finally, last week, I left on my long anticipated (yet poorly planned) trip. The first day, I had planned to meet one of the other ladies, but that didn't pan out due to her work schedule. The next day, after a frustrating period of time trying to remain accessible to my hotel telephone (my cell phone didn't work in Singapore), I managed to meet up with the subject of this post. From the outset, I was blown away by her. To begin with, she was quite beautiful yet really cute at the same time. But beyond that, I found myself captivated by her personality. If I could only be half the person she is, I'd be happy. It's hard to really describe the spirit I felt from her in my limited and rather prosaic prose. Suffice to say, she was amazing. I felt those first stirrings of intense liking that one feels when they meet someone they might love or eventually come to love.

She took me around town and showed me many of the sights. Along the way, we talked quite a bit and shared observations about life in general; all the old cliche small talk when you first meet someone. I tend to be a rather reserved person, especially around people that I like a lot but don't yet know well. I guess I want to make a good impression and I'm afraid that said people might make me out to be a fool. So I tried my best to keep her entertained, I think I may have done alright, but I also think I tended to be the dull, annoying person that I often fear that I am. Later that night, we went out for drinks, which was probably my downfall.

I am not really a drinker. In fact prior to, I hadn't really drunk much other than a beer or two here and there. To begin with, the bar (probably more like a club) was loud and crowded. I liked the atmosphere, but the place was not conducive to conversation. By that time, I had warmed up quite a bit conversationally and was ready to impress her with my wit and highly "intelligent" banter (tongue planted firmly in cheek). Except between her highly educated Singapore accent which I was not used to, the loud bar, my lowered hearing abilities from being a pilot and airline worker, and lack of conversational prompts, it became very hard to carry on a conversation. Plus, I had an "all you can drink" wrist band...which was a very, very, very bad idea, especially for this drinking lightweight. I had maybe about three vodka and tonics plus a few low alcohol fruity drinks the place was giving out for free and was starting to feel a pleasant buzz. But I was consuming too fast and was soon on about my ninth or tenth drink (not counting the fruity crap). Long story short, I got fairly buzzed...okay, drunk as much as it pains this former anti-alcohol quasi-teetotaler to admit. I guess that I wasn't too drunk because I remember the entire evening very well despite the drinks. Yet I think it was enough to probably embarrass her and of course myself, especially when her friend showed up. And of course when I started to doze off a little bit when the buzz started wearing off. So instead of more clubbing afterwards, she kindly flagged a cab down for me and made sure I got back to my hotel while her and her friend continued their exciting evening in Singapore's vibrant nightlife. So I knew the night had not ended well.

The next morning, I sent her a short note thanking her for the evening and apologizing. I spent the next few days touring and meeting with my other two friends, one who I developed a fairly advanced crush on as well, but not quite the same. Finally, the subject of this blog post asked if I wanted to go out for coffee before I left, which I gladly accepted. I had to wait until the next day, though, as I had planned to meet one of my other friends that night. Then a business dinner came up for her so we couldn't meet. Oddly enough, I had woken up that morning half thinking to myself, "f---, I think I might love her just a little bit." I knew it was stupid and irrational given we'd just met, but I also knew that that is at least half of what romantic love is. Anyhow, when she said she couldn't meet, I actually cried a little bit because I knew I had to leave the next morning. In fact, I almost considered delaying my departure another day, but I knew I shouldn't make plans around someone who might not be willing or able to accommodate them. So I sent her an email hinting at my feelings as well as apologizing for my various failures and faults and mentioning my wishes that I was worthy of her. She didn't respond and I left Singapore feeling that tormented, tortured yet at the same time happy and hopeful feeling that is often associated with such situations. She finally responded while I was flying and I read her email on my layover in Tokyo. Basically, she didn't pick up the hints or deliberately ignored them and just wrote her well-wishes and her reaffirmation of our friendship. I was somewhat disappointed but mostly hugely relieved as I thought that I had burned a bridge by sending my message or that she would react hugely negatively.

I know that there's always a chance, but at the same time, I probably wasn't attractive to her both in appearance and personality. I know she wants to meet up again when we get the chance which would be great. She is a great friend and I hope that we can keep up the friendship. I guess that I just hate being half in love and knowing that it probably will never be. Writing this post, as intended, has been quite therapeutic, though. I see now that disappointment is part of the game and that sometimes life just goes on. In fact life always goes on. About "half-love;" I suppose that that means that I remain hopeful and know that I have a good friendship, but that chances of anything happening in the near future are slim.