Another boring day near the Bay. The rain pours down from the sky, clouds gray, low, shrouding the enormous white sign on the hill nearby that proudly reads "South San Francisco The Industrial City." It's been awhile since I've done the free writing thing that this blog is a pitiful tribute to (whoops, I already ended a sentence with a preposition). Boredom has reared its ugly head again and along with it self analysis and overthought. It seems that boredom is almost a depressive cycle for me: lack of stimulation, followed by boredom, followed by lack of motivation which causes even more boredom... Yet something builds in my heart. I yearn to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING. So, I decide to write. Writing has always come naturally, but the ideas haven't always. When I was younger, I wrote whenever, whatever. But like the California drought, the past ten years have been relatively barren.

My life has been rather comfortable and lacking of any serious problem. A series of jobs and "career oriented thought experiments taken too far" have lead to almost truly an existential crisis of sorts. I spend most of my days sitting in an unfamiliar California city that has become too familiar waiting for my job that I convince myself is my dream job to call me in to work. So hopefully this post is just the first of many in a more productive way to spend my time. I have decided that I don't really write for an audience, but that having a blog is a good way to keep my writing alive instead of forgotten on an old computer hard drive somewhere...

Still searching...

Still searching...for lost words. For that elusive something or someone. Locked in the cold, gray, uncaring of the corporate world, my spirit fighting mightily against the iron fist of capitalism, I search for rays of light. For sunshine. My spirit seeks to soar beyond its self-induced prison to find the vestiges of a dream slipping away...

The DC-3 of Commercial Space Flight

The metaphor of a DC-3 for commercial space flight has been used and claimed by many projects in the aforementioned sector. But I feel it is also an accurate title for my project. Early in the age of airline travel, the United States lagged many other regions of the world in creating an effective airline network. That is, until the pioneering Douglas Sleeper Transport, DC-2, and DC-3 came along. Those of you in the aerospace industry know the rest of the story.

My DC-3 will be either a very basic large capsule shape with an aerospike nozzle or an air breathing winged version. The first concept (C1) will be very similar in appearance to the old Chrysler SERV concept, which itself was almost an enlarged Apollo capsule. As mentioned, it will use an aerospike engine. This should allow for a hydrogen/liquid oxygen engine to propel it to orbit in a single stage provided light enough materials are used. Additionally, it should be able to fly hypersonic, parabolic routes between intercontinental destinations, much like ICBMs (except less destructive). Using old SERV data, it should have a fairly high Lift to Drag ratio, at least for a vehicle of its configuration, allowing it some low to moderate cross range for diversions and less aerodynamic heating and g-forces during reentry. Alternately, C1 could be equipped with an depoyable parasail similar to the concept advanced for the Gemini capsules in the early 1960s, which would give it more cross-range and an unpowered landing. C1 is the preferred concept due to its relative simplicity. The only stumbling block to it could be an inability to keep the airframe and all components light enough to be carried by the high fuel requirements of SSTO rockets (around 85%-95% of the total takeoff weight will be fuel). Using a high specific impulse aerospike engine should help create a successful solution to the rocket equation as will using lightweight composites and light weight metals in the airframe.

Failing the ability to successful create a feasible C1, C2 shall be an alternate solution. This will use an winged, air-breathing concept probably drawing aerodynamic data from the canceled American National Aerospace Plane and the Soviet TU2000 plane. From stationary to Mach 6, C2 should be able to either rapidly cool atmospheric oxygen to cryogenic temperatures (ala the British LAPCAT) or use ramjet technology. This should increase the specific impulse of the first portion of flight enough to allow the single stage to reach orbit. If this does not work, then a flyback stage could provide fuel for the airbreathing portion as well possibly a few Mach numbers of the pure rocket portion of flight, then separate and fly back to ground station. In this "C2-2" concept, the vehicle should be able to achieve Mach 18-20 without the additional stage, allowing it to complete intercontinental flight without the additional stage.

Untitled

Untitled seems to be the best title of this post. I had a good day of meditative thinking today. I flew to one of my favorite hangouts at the Atlanta airport; a little alcove in Terminal T near the top of the escalators leading down to the "Plane Train." Here I can watch airplanes come and go at gate T8. Ironically, it's a quiet place to think amongst the bustle of the world's busiest airport, all with a fabulous view of those majestic Delta ships. I also wandered around the rest of the airport taking in all of the aircraft and feeling the mixed, often negative emotions yet strange attachment of being associated with this company. I've certainly been transported to so many literal and figurative destinations on those gleaming white ships and it's an adventure that only seems to be just beginning. Later, suspended in the sky on my way back to Pittsburgh, I observed the raw power and beauty of a line of late summer thunderstorms... At that moment, I felt peace, contentment, and a wonder for the future. Childhood memories and dreams of airplanes and the deep, limitless sky fuse with recent adventures in aviation and the airline industry along with my present day hopes and dreams. Here, everything aligns and a serenity takes hold of me. The opportunity finally presents itself to plan and clarify my near term plan of action: 1.) Although not the most desirable setup, I am at peace with my current work arrangement. In fact, I even manage to have fun sometimes. Additionally, it is relatively flexible and gives me the opportunity to travel. If the opportunity presents itself, I will improve my career lot, but there is no hurry. 2.) I must finish my instrument rating. I know I can, I just need to sit down and study more. I can do it. 3.) I must finalize my "DC-3 Spacecraft" plans as much as possible. If I cannot build this dream ship, I should advocate it in writing and work to surround myself with the resources to realize it.

Suspended

Suspended far in the sky... The doldrums of the old sailors Love torments Music adds to the surreal The World calls Flight sings its sweet song Love is lost?

Insomina and pointlessness

I have been in a massive funk for a least a few months. Work is frustrating, long, doesn't pay very well and I feel like I am making no advancement. The search for a "better" more permanent job is fruitless at best, utterly and completely discouraging at worst. I find myself alternating from being so busy I can't even think in my three and a half day, 40-50 hour work week to being horribly bored on my weekend. I feel completely unstimulated by my life right now. I'm trying to change that, but as I sink in to someone of a hypo-depression, I seemingly lose the willpower and ability to figure out how to change it. I also know I have so much to be thankful for...which makes the depressive state worse because I feel guilty and irrational for dwelling on the negative. Consequently, I very rarely discuss the full extent of my feelings with anyone. ...And as usual, I just ran out of compositional steam even though I had more to say, ha.

Sigh

Never having been to Asia, I decided recently to take a trip to the city-state of Singapore. I chose Singapore for many reasons, not the least was the very favorable weather and good public transportation. The trip was awesome. Indeed it was almost a life-altering experience in some ways. But my brain or in more poetic terms, my heart, decided to make me half fall in love with someone. A little background. As a casual airline employee, I had been planning on taking advantage of my employee travel perks by taking a long distance trip for quite some time. Singapore was on my list of potential destinations for its diversity, energy, weather, and accessibility. Having local friends to show one around a new place is always a great way to experience somewhere. Of course, living halfway around the world from Singapore and never having been there, I didn't have any friends in Singapore. So about a month before I took my trip, I decided to post a Craigslist ad to meet some new friends in the island nation. Being an incurable romantic, I elected to put the post in the "Men Seeking Women/Relationship" section. Within a day, three women, all whom seemed "interesting" (that old, time tested cliche of online dating) had responded. I struck up a fairly regular correspondence with them including chatting. All three were great and I found myself developing a reasonable friendship with each. One of the ladies in particular, I found to be very fascinating. Well, actually to be fair, I really like all three women, but for the purposes of this hopefully therapeutic blog post, I'll stand by the previous statement. But anyhow, the lady in question and I chatted and exchanged Facebook posts quite regularly. I really grew to like her a fair amount. From the beginning, there were some more than platonic overtones, fairly minor, but there nonetheless. Looking back, though, I do think those overtones gradually evolved into more platonic themes by the time of my trip, but I think an expectation was set up in my mind, even though she very obviously does not owe me anything given her hospitality and friendship.

Finally, last week, I left on my long anticipated (yet poorly planned) trip. The first day, I had planned to meet one of the other ladies, but that didn't pan out due to her work schedule. The next day, after a frustrating period of time trying to remain accessible to my hotel telephone (my cell phone didn't work in Singapore), I managed to meet up with the subject of this post. From the outset, I was blown away by her. To begin with, she was quite beautiful yet really cute at the same time. But beyond that, I found myself captivated by her personality. If I could only be half the person she is, I'd be happy. It's hard to really describe the spirit I felt from her in my limited and rather prosaic prose. Suffice to say, she was amazing. I felt those first stirrings of intense liking that one feels when they meet someone they might love or eventually come to love.

She took me around town and showed me many of the sights. Along the way, we talked quite a bit and shared observations about life in general; all the old cliche small talk when you first meet someone. I tend to be a rather reserved person, especially around people that I like a lot but don't yet know well. I guess I want to make a good impression and I'm afraid that said people might make me out to be a fool. So I tried my best to keep her entertained, I think I may have done alright, but I also think I tended to be the dull, annoying person that I often fear that I am. Later that night, we went out for drinks, which was probably my downfall.

I am not really a drinker. In fact prior to, I hadn't really drunk much other than a beer or two here and there. To begin with, the bar (probably more like a club) was loud and crowded. I liked the atmosphere, but the place was not conducive to conversation. By that time, I had warmed up quite a bit conversationally and was ready to impress her with my wit and highly "intelligent" banter (tongue planted firmly in cheek). Except between her highly educated Singapore accent which I was not used to, the loud bar, my lowered hearing abilities from being a pilot and airline worker, and lack of conversational prompts, it became very hard to carry on a conversation. Plus, I had an "all you can drink" wrist band...which was a very, very, very bad idea, especially for this drinking lightweight. I had maybe about three vodka and tonics plus a few low alcohol fruity drinks the place was giving out for free and was starting to feel a pleasant buzz. But I was consuming too fast and was soon on about my ninth or tenth drink (not counting the fruity crap). Long story short, I got fairly buzzed...okay, drunk as much as it pains this former anti-alcohol quasi-teetotaler to admit. I guess that I wasn't too drunk because I remember the entire evening very well despite the drinks. Yet I think it was enough to probably embarrass her and of course myself, especially when her friend showed up. And of course when I started to doze off a little bit when the buzz started wearing off. So instead of more clubbing afterwards, she kindly flagged a cab down for me and made sure I got back to my hotel while her and her friend continued their exciting evening in Singapore's vibrant nightlife. So I knew the night had not ended well.

The next morning, I sent her a short note thanking her for the evening and apologizing. I spent the next few days touring and meeting with my other two friends, one who I developed a fairly advanced crush on as well, but not quite the same. Finally, the subject of this blog post asked if I wanted to go out for coffee before I left, which I gladly accepted. I had to wait until the next day, though, as I had planned to meet one of my other friends that night. Then a business dinner came up for her so we couldn't meet. Oddly enough, I had woken up that morning half thinking to myself, "f---, I think I might love her just a little bit." I knew it was stupid and irrational given we'd just met, but I also knew that that is at least half of what romantic love is. Anyhow, when she said she couldn't meet, I actually cried a little bit because I knew I had to leave the next morning. In fact, I almost considered delaying my departure another day, but I knew I shouldn't make plans around someone who might not be willing or able to accommodate them. So I sent her an email hinting at my feelings as well as apologizing for my various failures and faults and mentioning my wishes that I was worthy of her. She didn't respond and I left Singapore feeling that tormented, tortured yet at the same time happy and hopeful feeling that is often associated with such situations. She finally responded while I was flying and I read her email on my layover in Tokyo. Basically, she didn't pick up the hints or deliberately ignored them and just wrote her well-wishes and her reaffirmation of our friendship. I was somewhat disappointed but mostly hugely relieved as I thought that I had burned a bridge by sending my message or that she would react hugely negatively.

I know that there's always a chance, but at the same time, I probably wasn't attractive to her both in appearance and personality. I know she wants to meet up again when we get the chance which would be great. She is a great friend and I hope that we can keep up the friendship. I guess that I just hate being half in love and knowing that it probably will never be. Writing this post, as intended, has been quite therapeutic, though. I see now that disappointment is part of the game and that sometimes life just goes on. In fact life always goes on. About "half-love;" I suppose that that means that I remain hopeful and know that I have a good friendship, but that chances of anything happening in the near future are slim.